Fuck my life.

So today, I weighed myself. The heaviest I have EVER been before is 178lbs. I got down to 157lbs. Now, this morning, i weighed 181LBS! ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY ONE POUNDS.

How disgusting. I thought I'd weigh 170 or something max.

I think the reason I didn't realise is because when I was 178lbs, I was a solid size 16 (US size 12), but right now I'm a size 14, sometimes even a 12, so I guess the fat must have deposited differently, the scales could be a little wrong, or whatever reason. I'm a different shape but I weight a ton more.

But, because I'm trying to keep in a positive mindset, and I know that I'm on the right track, I'm trying not to get too upset about it, because that won't help anything. Eating less and moving more WILL help. So that's what I'm doing.

Now onto goals. Now I know how much I weigh, I can set some goals. There are six weeks until the end of the summer, so I'd like to have lost a stone by then. So ideally, I'd be 167lbs. But I'll be okay with anything south of 170 I guess.

Right now, my ultimate goal weight is 140lbs, which I know is crazy high to most of you guys, but I want to still wear most of the clothes I have, I just want them to be loose and cute looking, and be a solid size 12.

That's the plan.

Here goes...

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Today, in the short term went well:

I had 870ish calories out of my 1134 limit. We had fajitas at dinner, and I pawned off half my potato wedges and one of my tortilla wraps to my family so I didn't have to eat so much. I didn't have any sour cream or cheese. And obviously Quorn instead of chicken. So yeah :) Good stuff.

In the long term though, even though for every day but one of the last 8 I've gone under my calorie limit, and most days under my fat intake limit, I'm still snacking a fair bit, like, twice a day on something sweet or chocolatey... So I feel like I really need to cut that out. and just eat meals, and occupy myself in between...

I might start weighing myself to motivate myself, but like I said, holiday breaks that up, as will moving back to Uni as I have no scales there...Hmm.

Tomorrow, sweet stuff will be integrated into my meals to sort of transition myself into the not snacking thing...

So I'm having porridge with banana and chocolate and caramel spread, and then for tea I'm going to see a children's cabaret at my Mum's school, so I'll just have a few little finger foods there, and record what I had :)

Just checking in.

It's been 7 consecutive days of tracking my calories, and staying pretty cleanly under my goal calories (1134 a day, which I know is crazy high for a lot of you, but I'm trying to do this reasonably slowly). There was one day where I slipped up by 90 calories over because my dad bought the entire family a huge mcdonalds...

Anyway, I think my neck is starting to look a little slimmer, but I just want some results of the initial bloat to show. I know I'm a long way off losing anything substantial yet, but it'll get there, as long as I keep up exercising too, which I've been doing snippets of here and there.

Also, I'm starting to get used to the weight loss routine again; how to maximise the amount you can eat for the calories you're allowed. I'm getting used to drinking loads of water to mask hunger, and just dealing with it this rest of the time.

The thing is, next weekend, I'm going to Disneyland Paris for 3 days, then into the city for 4 days, then to Center Parcs back in the UK for 8 days with family, so there'll be 3 big meals out a day, every day, with all the trimmings and all the family there badgering.

So that's scaring me shitless.

But, being the person I am and knowing I need to chill out and work out how to control the situation, I think as long as I make a list of rules and take it with me in a notebook, like 'I can have dessert once at Disneyland, I can have pastries at breakfast once at Disneyland, don't have any ice creams/snacks in the day' etc.

I might even see if I can find something that gives the nutrition information of some Disney foods to help for those 4 days. But as for Paris itself, I have no idea what to do.

Hopefully, as least for Center Parcs I'll be able to have my laptop with me and still record on MyDailyPlate and stuff...

Hmm.

Comeback #32489372

There's been a lot of false comebacks on this blog. I won't lie. So I made sure I was at least a little properly committed this time around before I left one post stating I was back on track and then went off and ate like 4 chocolate muffins.

I've been tracking my intake/output on Livestrong's MyDailyPlate for nearly a week, which is what helped me out enormously two years ago when I lost a bunch of weight. So now I'm a bit dedicated, I can come back here and try even harder, because I've been craving being back on here!

I've got so used to eating whatever I want, junk food and all that it'll be so hard, but I know I can do it!

First hurdle: Eating a 290 calorie lunch while my dad eats 2 cheese rolls and a bag of crisps right next to me :(

So...

One of the reasons I was doing well with restricting, is that my flat mate wasn't around to make junk food ridden trips to Asda with me, or order take aways, or eat out with.

I love her to pieces, but it only takes the tiniest bit of temptations to make me go mad and eat loads of junk.

She wasn't coming back to Uni til the 7th, and leaving on the 10th, which isn't bad because my other friend from home is staying in that time, and so I'd be eating sort of bad anyway, but I'd already listed what I'd be eating and when and blah blah blah.

But now there's what, four extra days to eat shit and put on ALL the water weight/bloat/fat I've just managed to initially lose.

I'm excited to see both my flatmate and my friend, but eep, this week is going to be a CHALLENGE!

Blah.

I had an exam today.

Things I want to eat/justify eating as a reward for doing my exam:

Starbucks

McDonalds

Veggie burgers

Chips

Kettle Chips

Giant bar of chocolate

Things I can eat/probably will:

3 tiny brownies

Tin of watered down Asda brand soup.

I've also had 2 slices of toast this morning...

Hmm...

I've been AWOL for SO long.

It's a familiar feeling to see a lot of you guys still consistently posting.

And while I feel a bit wrong, and dirty throwing myself back into this blog, it needs to be done. It has, is, and probably will be, the only way I can push myself into losing weight.

For the last two weeks I've been being restricting after a tirade of horrible comments from my boyfriend (ever the motivator...) and even today I can feel tight trousers being a good fit, so I know the initial weight plummet is coming into play.

The downside is, that'll be over in the next week or so, and it'll be back to fighting hard and breaking through plateau after plateau. All whilst looking at my diary and realising how many binge triggers are on my way. From planned picnics to family holidays to weeks of leaving meals with friends.

But it's all going to be successful...right?

Peace.

The three day hump.

Me and my roommate have developed a life detox.

Eating healthily, not snacking and the like.

It's going well so far, and it's Day Three.

Today my only meal is 2 slices of mozarella and sundried tomato on toast - I allowed myself the bread and cheese because it was all I was having.

Oh, with salad.

And 3 litres of water.

Yay :)

Cold turkey.

hey you guys.

I've had some serious fails lately, spent about £120 on junk food in two weeks, and just really hated/upset myself.

But I'm trying to go into this new thing with a healthy, positive attitude :)

SO, I'm going cold turkey on the following things:

Pastries

Pizza

Takeaway

Crisps

Chocolate

Biscuits

Sweets

Sugar (in coffee etc.)

Chips

Fried potatoes

There's probably more but off the top of my head that's what I've written down. I feel good writing that list; like I'm already cleansing my body of these things.

Now, because I don't have scales in my flat, I can't reward myself on weight, so I will reward myself instead with the amount of time I can stay away from these foods.

So far I have:

One day (29/1/11) - Notebook from Paperchase (This doesn't really count because I need a notebook, haha)

Two weeks (11/2/11) - No idea what, but it'll be the next thing I buy. Probably blusher...

I don't know what else to have, I'll think about it :)

Peace.

Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail.

Just binged solidly for like a week.

Spent loads of money on food.

Like £70 or £80.

IN A WEEK.

That's nearly a whole term's food.

Problematic much :/

Anyway, back on track today I think...

I hope.

Under 1,000cals

I ate a brownie thing because it was leftover from yesterday.

Gonna drink 3 litres of water today too, I hope.

Blurgh.

I just hate looking in the mirror.

So I know it's time to change.

Peace.

Off the wagon.

I've had two take aways everyday for four or five days.

I can't even describe how gross I feel.

I've spent about £50 this week on food.

Ergh.

But, I'm moving past it

With this dinner; just a 200cal Quorn escalope.

Yum.

Then tomorrow my only meal will be that cottage pie; 384 cals I think.

I'm going to make a list of things to do to keep me busy on my day off.

I think that's what I'll do daily now :)

Yeahhh.

Maybe in my food diary?

I have like 3 diaries now, aha.

Peace.

I think

My tummy is starting to get used to less food, and I'm starting to get better at ignoring hunger.

These two things combined mean I'm feeling pretty good :)

Although I ate a few too many calories today.

Oh well.

I haven't drunk enough water either.

Don't know what I'm doing tomorrow.

I did want to sleep between lectures, but I have to watch a film for Italian Cinema.

Hmm

Maybe soup, then cottage pie for tea?

So total of like 500cals.

To help even out today...

Peace.

Fail day.

I went into town for lunch.

For one thing, I spent a tenner on food.

Wtf.

That's a week of supermarket shopping!

For a second thing, I'm about to work out how much I ate:

1 Nando's veggie wrap: 633cals

1 por. Nando's chips: 340 cals

1 Iced Mocha from Starbucks: 150cals

Total: 1123cals.

Ew.

Thank goodness I a) didn't get cake at Starbucks and b) walked around town for ages.

Still.

Gross.

I'm back to using DailyPlate.

YAY!

Might do some hula-hooping later.

This post is so inconsistent.

Blurghhh.

I really want to bingeeeee.

But I won't.

I can do this.

Plus, I've had too much food today already.

Instead of cottage pie I had two Quorn chicken burgers and a small small small portion of chips, and salad.

So I had maybe like...900cals today?

Did about an hour of walking.

Nothing crazy.

Peace.

Change of plan.

I'm having macaroni cheese for lunch, which is 370cals for a tin, then the 384 cals for the cottage pie later on.

I just feel so ill, I know it's because my stomach is getting used to not having 2000/3000 cals a day.

So I didn't think jumping to 400cals a day would be very good for me.

But a total of 756cals is alright, even though it's a lot of carbs, but apart from a half bag of pasta, it's good to get rid of all the bad food soon on.

Now it's just a load of Quorn, frozen veg and a bag of salad in my kitchen :D

That's all for now.

I should have put peas in this macaroni and cheese :/

It's not very nice tbh.

Today...

I resisted buying any more food from Asda.

I don't feel too good; I can tell my body is trying to adjust to not being stuffed with carbs and junk all the time.

Today I had:

Tuna sandwich 310

Wotsits 95

Quorn chicken fillet 184

Salad cream 50

Total: 639

Yay :)

Although I didn't do any exercise except traipse round Asda.

Tomorrow I'm going to have soup for lunch, then cottage pie and salad for dinner.

No idea how many calories are in the soup yet, but there's 187 in the cottage pie.

So probably about 400 or so altogether?

That doesn't seem like very much :/ And not in a good way, in a bad way.

Hmm...

If I'm super hungry I'll have the whole cottage pie which is 374 calories altogether.

We shall see...

It's important to

Block out other people that eat healthily and exercise but aren't lovely and skinny. They're not me.

That's my thought of the day.

That and how much I'm bored of this essay.

Plus someone in my dorm just got a McDonalds, I can smell it through my door.

Fml.

So far, so good.

Little motto I need to adhere to.

But it's held true today; I came back to Uni and I just had a sandwich at lunch and a vegetable roll when i got back.

Not brilliant, but I didn't cave and order takeaway when my roomate wanted to.

So I'm going to try to keep up that mentality.

Tomorrow, I'm doing an essay all day, so I'm going to have a tuna sandwich at lunch, then I'm having some salad, just lettuce and stuff, and a Quorn chicken fillet.

So like 700 cals for the day?

Which is good considering I won't be doing any exercise at all.

I really need to get back into the swing of things.

Oh, and the only breaks I'm having from the essay will be to hula-hoop, because I brought my weighted hoop back to Uni with me :D

Yeahhhh

Peace.

Ha, that was shallow and weird and inconclusive.

I mean, I hate being all wallowing and self-loathing.

I have a lovely life, but sometimes things get said that make me realise how much happier I'd be if I was skinnier.

I only have 5 hours of lectures this semester, so I'm mostly left to my own devices, alone in my room and everything.

I need to spend more time going for walks/drinking loads of water/working on my own scripts/filmwork/doing extra reading/getting seminar prep done early/doing essays super early/blogging/networkings.

And stuff like that.

And only buying 2 big bags of salad and one or two Quorn products for a week's shopping.

Probably only need one meal a day since I normally sleep like 12 hours a day while I'm at Uni...

But yeah.

Plus I don't plan on going home much this term; no need to.

There's a month between me going back to Uni and my boyfriend coming to stay, so it'd be neat for him to see a little change in me :)

The second I get back to Uni

Quorn, vegetables, and soup, and that's it.

Seriously.

Oh, and lots of water.

I don't want to feel un-confident anymore.

Plus I want to save money.

So I won't have to buy clothes and stuff.

Yeahhhh.

And writing on here I guess.

Blurgh, I need things to fill up my time.